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45 to 45 - Day 4: Resting in Uncertainty

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A place for me to share with you my experiences of being human & divine.

45 to 45 - Day 4: Resting in Uncertainty

Tracy Wendroff-Rawnicki

I hate being in limbo. I'm an impatient, hot-tempered, Cuban red-head. Not knowing what's coming next gets me very restless. It feels like there is nothing happening - no forward movement, no progress. I am so used to going full speed almost all the time and constantly working on something, that when there is downtime or I feel uninspired or I don't know what to be working on or focusing on next...well, it drives me a little crazy.

And while it would be awesome if I could just chill and recognize that this is all part of the ebb and flow of life, instead, I beat myself up and start to think I am being lazy or that I'm not doing enough or making enough. Instead of leaning in and savoring the down time, I start the negative self-talk, "should-ing" on myself. Doubt and fear start to set in. I lose faith and begin to question myself, "What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm not good enough or smart enough? Maybe I am not enough? Maybe I'll never be enough?"

Needless to say it's a fast a furious ride down to a pretty depressing place. And while it seems easier to run away or jump off the wave of sensations, using any number of addictive behaviors to help feel anything but that hopelessness, it never actually solves the problem. 

The cosmic joke here is that in order to heal it, I have to let myself feel it, fully. That's right - it's what I call sitting in the 'ICK.' The uncomfortable tsunami of emotions that flood me when I feel negative emotions followed by the complete paralysis in not knowing what to do next. I have to give myself time and space to feel and be in that discomfort. Food, TV, Retail Therapy, etc...they might seem like good fixes, but they offer only temporary avoidance, not a long-term, sustainable, life strategy. 

Have you ever felt this way? It's ok if you don't want to share that you have. It's scary for me to admit too. But it's raw, real & authentic. And our vulnerability & emotions - they make us relatable. They make us human. It's a common thread we share. (And I know first hand how lonely it can be when you think you are alone in how you feel or what you are experiencing and then you hold it inside like a big scary secret.)

Here's the deal. The light within each of us can only shine brighter when we acknowledge the darkness too. Pushing it away, resisting the shadow side of myself, only makes it more ominous and way bigger than it needs to be.

Resisting the emotion only gives it more power. Feeling it fuels the healing! (yea, that's my own tweet-able right there - lol)

I am so grateful that I have learned to slow down a little more each time this happens. I can now recognize this very toxic, self-sabotaging, self-abusive pattern. It is teaching me to PAUSE more. It is teaching me that it is OK for me to rest & to NOT DO. It is teaching me that a daily self-care practice is essential. And it reminds me to STOP, get quiet and do less.  

And here's a little bonus. When I allow myself the space to stop and feel and listen, I can hear my inner guidance system. And it is in those very moments, the moments I was resisting all along, where I get the inspiration and the motivation and everything begins to move forward again.

Isn't it ironic? The very thing we avoid is usually the very thing that we need. 

Tell me how you experience limbo in the comments below. 

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